Today is the day in this pregnancy where, if it were three years ago, I find out the baby has no heartbeat (roughly, because even now I cannot bear to go back and count to be precise).
Today is the day in this pregnancy where, if it were two years ago, a close friend would be induced early due to complications in her pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy happy baby boy. Rather than be there for my friend, my husband had to pull me close and remind me that someone else's healthy happy baby boy did not take anything away from what we would have. I'm not proud to say that I didn't think he was right. That's where I was on that day. I was scared.
Yesterday, I felt it was my duty to remind my husband that Today was the day that bad things might happen. In a much more matter of fact way than last time around.
Today I woke up at 3:30am wide awake. I'm not sure it had much to do with being Today. While I lay there imagining what my day would be like if I couldn't get back to sleep, my little bird got the hiccups. We worked through those and she got herself resettled with lots of kicks and elbows into a cozy position and probably went to sleep. And that was okay.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at 5am and puttered around the house. Not quite aware yet that it was Today. And a voice in the back of my head, maybe the same voice that told me everything was going to be okay the night before my wedding and that we had picked the right name for Little Bear seconds after he was born, said, "the baby is going to be okay today."
And it felt beautiful. And sad. And a little bit powerful. And so today is going to be okay. I know passing through today won't end a lifetime of worry. I know that a lifetime could be minutes or years or decades and anything could happen.
There are no promises in life. I've learned that lesson the hard way too many times. But I'm in a place where I can hear that quiet voice that says today is going to be okay. And I can find beauty and comfort in that. I can finally know that it's right.
Today might be all I have, so rather than lose one more today to fear or worry, I'm going to let this one be okay.